Layla

My new therapist, Layla - Is she going to be the help I need?

So far after two sessions she has heard more about my "inner anorexic voice" than anyone in this world. Somehow, this is a very soothing idea to me. A month ago, it would have petrified me. Something I should have taken advantage of far too long ago, but today is no time for regrets or take-backs.

At 21 years of age, she calls me a "baby". I suppose in the grand scheme of life, this is the plain and simple truth. But at every stage of our lives, we feel older than our years. My case is no different. I often feel like a middle-aged woman trapped in a teenage body. Actually, I should say, child's body. No curve, no volume, no shapeliness. But my life has been on fast forward for so long. I have become better adapted to gauging situations through the eyes of adulthood rather than sticking to my own day and age. Sex, drinking, parties, masquerades... all seems (seemed) like juvenile games that would only set me back when the real focus of my time in Vancouver is to look ahead into the future and prepare for the long road ahead of me. I blame my inability to keep pace with my own life and age for the way I act upon events in life today. How do I get the time back?

Layla called my condition "rapid cycling" - otherwise known as Bipolar Disorder Type 2.

I have yet to research this and reflect on my newly diagnosed condition. I'm chock full of surprises lately.

When my body feels tied down and bound to heavy burdens, I must remember to take deep breaths and shake it all off. Life doesn't have to be such a burden. Everything can be a new learning experience. Failure is a self-defined word. You can only truly fail at being true to yourself. And I have consistently been faltering at this concept for months, consistently getting a lower and lower score with each trial I take. But now, I am returning to study/health/learning mode. I guess my doctors are my teachers and my therapists are my tutors; my family is my study group.My actions and choices will affect us all.

Since beginning my anti-depressant medication (Celexa), my bouncing emotions (Rapid cycling) seems to be in better control. It has only been 4 days since I have started, but if the drug acts on my brain, then it won't take long for me to start reacting. Biology doesn't change. But on the other hand, with my addictive personality, it won't be hard for me to start using it as another source of "healing"; it may very well become my new crutch. I already feel my love emerging for it; longing for it.

Soon, the cravings will be born, much like my anorexic tendencies. But I have been pre-warned of this and I know better. I will control it. I must.

My stomach gets upset when I eat combinations of foods. At first my thoughts were that the nausea stemmed from an uneven consumption of liquid and solid foods. I feel the solids and liquids becoming a mash up of disgust that comes up my esophagus with great ease as my body wishes to purge it and get rid of any "nutrients" it secretly longs for. Now I see that this is not the true case; it can't be. Only this afternoon, I had a lunch consisting of teriyake seafood grill. Healthy and quick. I tried drinking no liquids with the meal (I was being monitored, of course), which was an easily digestible mis of softly grilled seafood, generous array of vegetables, and brown rice. A health freak's dream meal, I must say. Overall, it can be described and seen as a good picture of a balanced lunch, but in the back of my head, all I could see were numbers. Calories.

But after 2 hours of walking/digesting, feel no remorse over the consumed meal, I came home to find that if I was alone, I would have been able to purge at least half of the meal, if not more. With or without water. What I have done to my digestive system through the months/years of starvation... I will never have a good reason for my actions.

Some blood tests I have taken came back to my eating disorder physician, Dr. B. The greatest concern was a fatal Magnesium deficiency. I expect to be asked to start a supplementation for this tomorrow when I see him for my second appointment.