10.20.2009

Responsibilities do not decrease by day, rather, they gain in number each minute.

Currently... here is my medical action:

Celexa, K-lyte potassium supplements, zinc gluconate, phosphates solution, Motilium (domperidone), Centrum multivitamins, and the list will surely grow.

I have depleted my body of so much necessities that I need to take them in liquid and pill form to bring my body to normal functioning condition again. This acute stage of my recovery is very tiring.

In addition, I have been ordered to receive Magnesium infusions at the hospital. Each infusion takes at least 5 hours and the infusions are done intravenously. Does this sound fun? I will be a part-time hospital inpatient during this process.

Already, I can picture my recovery process occurring in an inpatient facility, but I have not yet been formally asked to do this. At the age of 21, I need to give my own consent to admit to this type of care. All of these tests and check-ups, however, must be administered every day. Doctors and nurses overlooking every change in my body. Always taking notes, always gathering information, always keeping watch... I really pushed myself too far.

Maintaining a careful watch on my condition is a non-stop job. Not just for my support staff, but more importantly, for me. I am nervous of how I will continue catering to my needs and body when I return to full-tine school and learn to live on my own again. The idea is incredibly refreshing and unbearably scary at the same time. What can I do now at home to increase the frust and faith of my family, friends, and physicians? I just need to keep improving.


I want to rediscover the comfort of living a comfortable life. Snacking, studying, resting, laughing, socializing... it should all come naturally as it once did. As natural as breathing. Somehow along the way, I took a deep fall and forgot the basics of healthy living. I was the most health-conscious person in the world, then flipped 180 degrees into someone deceitful, depressed, and unhealthy.

I just need to regain focus and re-learn, of course, then again, I am a fast learner and I can do this. I will.

I feel stable, strong, and confident, but how can I now thank my mom for staying by my side through all of this? She deserves to know how much I appreciate her love and time. I am wearing her out, but she keeps pushing through for me. Maybe I am not strong enough yet to admit my feelings towards another person, including my own mother. I have always found it difficult to relay my emotions and feelings to other human beings. There has always been a wall. Am I weak for only being able to speak my heart out in my mind? No. It is not a weakness nor is it a flaw. It is just a human skill that I have not quite mastered yet. But only time limits me and I will learn to do this.

I'm trying too hard to defeat myself at a competition where scores don't exist. I need to call a truce with myself and my body.