10.21.2009

If ever there was a time for me to realize that we live in a world full of temptation, it would be during a morning of rainfall and deep thoughts in Vancouver.

As I try to rediscover my life of respectable balance, I am continually reminded of my failures, all that could be, and all that should be. I see my friends struggle with life as working men and women, making as much needed cash they can get their hands on because they need the resources for food, rent, gas... And I am left as a privileged child of a family that can't leave me without basic resources. But these basic resources are things I want to earn for myself, starting from the ground up. Is that too much to ask? Is that foolish to ask?

I cannot take for granted the gifts bestowed upon me. A roof over my head, coffee hot and fresh each morning, cold and clean water available for my thirsty throat... all when I need it, where I need it. Something as simple as a duvet and blanket for me to tuck into at night... The simple things are always taken for granted. Simple... that's also a word that we individually define.

The list never ends.

The only fundamental gift that I cannot purchase is the ability to make the right decisions. I must take each day and meal as a blessing and act appropriately.

I just ate a light breakfast. Of course, my morning latte (and a Motilium pill 20 minutes ago), a handful of Frosted Flakes, and 3 roasted chestnuts. If I have more, I will reach an uncomfortable level of fullness which I must avoid. The focus here is to re-train my stomach to handle and contain what I feed it.

My brother doesn't seem to be standing by my side lately. There is a cold distance between us that is hard for me to ignore. I see him as a part of me, a major part of my life an growing up. I have been foolish to assume that he wouldn't pick up on my sickness. We share blood. Of course he can feel my pain. But I still need to hide him from this for now because all he can see is that I am home sick, and that I am getting better. I want him to continue feeling hope and the last thing I need to force into his life is a disease that is as traumatizing as mine.