Best friends

October 20th 2009 -
I need to re-discover my faith. My religious sanctity. "Let Your Light Shine" - A quote from the book of Matthew in the bible that helps me remember that my light never went out, but it did dim for a long period in my life. I got a tattoo of this verse in Latin on the back of my neck. It's a reminder to me to keep the light from tips of my hair down to my toes shining brightly for the goodness in me. It is a reminder that I always have the light of God guiding my way in life. My light may have dimmed, but my passion to defeat the demon in me ignites a flame. My light will continue to grow brighter and brighter.

Healing deep wounds comes with time and sturdy support. Medicines and ointments only alleviate the pain and help conceal the damage, but true healing comes from the innate mechanisms of the body only. I need to give myself time to heal. I need space, thought, support, and of course, extra-strength bandaids.

I look around me, no matter where I go, and I only see the gifts that I have been given in this life I call mine. My possessions all come at a price, however, but they are all in my hands. How did I get born into a life with so much, but why do I feel like I deserve so little? I do not know. Should I even question my worth? What defines my worth anyways? All blessings are terrifying, but I should nurture what I am given... so far I have been destroying and starving my body, the greatest gift of all.

The only thing left for me to pray for now is continuous recovery and healing and a swift return to Cornell and the life I put on hold. I miss it dearly. Especially my loved ones I left behind.

One of my best friends, E, has been a strong influence in my life. She is goal-oriented, successful in her own rights, and seems very happy. She supports me like no other adult woman has. She believes in me, and she doesn't need to express it in words. She tells me that I remind her of her own personality, but without my health issues, I hope. Nonetheless, it is greatly satisfying to have her on my side. I need her and I want to always be there as a healthy, supportive friend like she has been for me. She has always played on my team, but I want to play with her hand in hand, side by side.

I wish E could know how important she is in my life. There is no doubt that without her in my Ithaca life, I would not be the same person I am today. I cannot escape my fate, but the course of how I reach my destiny can be different and can be chosen. It never has to hit rock bottom again. I owe so much to her. One day, I will find the perfect way to express this love and gratitude to her. One day.

I need to keep writing until my mom comes home. Keeping my hands and mind busy is the best way for me to keep sane and away from trouble. I want a cigarette.