10.19.2009 Pace Yourself

"I probably should have started this journal immediately when I arrived in Vancouver, but I keep learning new ordeals and thoughts each day which keeps me from writing out my present or past thoughts. But no need to beat myself over this. It really isn't a mistake.

When I realized how deep I had dug my hole (anorexic hole), I really saw a reflection of how weak I had become. Unfortunately, I masked this and renamed it as victorious and as the ultimate show of strength.

I need a new secret weapon to see my inner beauty and strengths. So far, my weapon has been the ability to starve or binge/purge to keep my outer appearance "satisfactory", but my dictionary of what is beautiful and what is not has been distorted all along. I am a winner and I will defeat this.

The cycle continues. I am learning my boundaries now. But when I am alone and on my lonesome it is often easier to fall victim to the voice of treason and terror rather than the voice of reason in my head. How do I thwart the darkness that overcomes me as I eat? It has become instinctual. I am human, and animal. I am bound to fall prey to my instincts, unless I change them. The larger part of me does not want to change. Being thin trumps all wild cards, doesn't it? Shouldn't the foremost goal of a woman's life be to look like the gorgeous and stick thin supermodels who stand as the face and body of all fashion magazines and advertisements? The whole globe finds this desirable, and I want to be desired. So isn't this my primary goal in life? Haven't I already beaten all women in this quest for thinness?

Or am I the loser?...

I can only hold onto my evil habits for so long in secrecy before my trust is one again broken between mother and daughter, father and daughter, brother and sister, friend and friend...

What I am sure of today is that under watchful eyes, the weight of food, consumption, intake, change, all drown me under the consciousness of my eating disorder. It's like those thoughts are the molecules of oxygen I need to breathe. But I need to just consider that I am not supposed to test these things alone. The route to recovery is through a team of loved ones and a group of support. I should stop trying to seclude myself in a bubble of independence. I do not even need to seek help; it is abundant all around me. I just have to reach my hand out and accept it with welcome arms. I am not alone in banishing my eating disorder. You are not alone in being rid of your demon.

Tomorrow I will ask for company. When I feel weak, I will lean on my crutch and not let that shame me.

My throat burns of desire to binge again. To binge then purge out all of the anxiety and frustration in my life. Let nothing consume my thoughts but the idea that I can eat what I want, when I want, then dispose of it all down the drain. No one needs to know. Just me and my eating disorder. See, this is the independence demon speaking again.

It is crucial to resist the burning desire to do the wrong thing; don't fall into the grip of the demon. It is not me. It is the calling of my sick body that has already lost. It lost the day I decided to take action and become a new me.

How long will it take for me to develop a new sense of appetite? A healthy way of eating and exercising? A normal and balanced life of fun, food, and academia? The longer you wait, the heavier your burden will become, so take action - do it with a smile on your face!

If you rush, you will lose your footing - How do we find the right pace in recovery?