10.26.2009... and more.

10.26.2009

I still feel lost, as if I'm walking beneath a shadow. I have forgotten how to please myself amidst the years of figuring out how to please others. 

Leaving home for college was my opportunity to escape the boundaries of childhood and prove my independence. Although I was obviously dependent on my parents financially, it was important to be able to show them that money was being invested in something bright and promising for the future.

10.27.2009

I'm living in a renewed sense of constant fear. My body is rejecting food again, but I really must force it down and feed it. Breakfast (early) is the best time for my body to digest at its best state. But the fear of newfound intake eats away at me and my mind. Why am I plagued with this disease? If, I am without mental fears, will the physical symptoms go away? I suppose it's all in my head. I have a very powerful demon stuck in my head and soul.

I need to test my determination. My entire being depends on my ability to override this disease.

If I really want this to change, why can't I immediately conquer it? Only time will prove my gains and my failures. But everything now seems moving towards a black hole that is neither bright nor dark. I am constantly struggling. Where is all of my personal strife coming from?

Why can't I save myself? Where did the light in my heart go?

10.28.2009

Recovery. It means I died or failed along the way... I need to "recover" from the fall that I've taken. Recovery is not an independent journey. Professions, mentors, friends, and family... I need as much support to fain *full* recovery. Wish is my only dream and goal at this point.

I will start using some personal stories of recovered patients that I can find online to guide me through this time. "Normal" is a subjective word that I must learn to re-define. As well, I must rediscover and resume my path to maturity post-eating disorder.

This next bit is by Aimee Lier reprinted in Eating Disorders Today (Winter '07, Vol 5, No. 1):

"Arrested Development", "delayed" or "hyper" maturity?

... Was on full speed for so long that physical stunting, becoming thin and "invisible" was a sure fire way to return to a state of lost childhood... 

I enjoyed my childhood while it lasted, but I rushed through it so far after my grandpa died that I never regained a security that can only be gained by going through life at each stage in steady time. So how do I turn back the clocks?

My body is telling me that my cards have already been turned and that now, respect is the name of the game. My body deserves respect.