Cons of my Eating Disorder

I really wish eating wasn't such a damn struggle for me. Why am I cursed with this need to empty my system? I really need to control my disorder. I want to go through my rehab without deadly relapses. I'm destroying my future. I'm done with this demon. I need to unbind myself from the chains of this wrath and walk the steady and lit path of love, life, and God. How can I prove to myself that I do have self worth? How can I start to see myself as beautiful? I want to be able to see my reflection, regardless of size or shape, and admit to the world that I am okay and content with whatever I  can see, because I am healthy, happy, and blessed to be given life and all the foods & gifts in it. How long will it take for me to be able to do that?


Cons

• it made me distant from the people I love
• it allowed me to excuse myself from living life like a "normal" young adult
• forced me to hurt my body, which is a gift from God and my parents that is meant to be guarded and treasured
• made my eyes see a deception, and my true intellect was blinded by it
• caused the people around me with genuine love for me to worry and become scared for my life
• made the main focus of each day to plot out how to starve myself, not to plan for my school life or social agenda
• made me a master at sneaking, lying, deceiving, plotting, hiding, and hurting...
• made my forget how to be my true self
• made me lose focus of the goals that I had planned and the dreams I wanted to pursue
• forced me to harvest negativity, which made me weak and frail, but convinced me that it was strength & invincibility
• made me see "thinness" as the ultimate sign of intelligence and dominance, when really, they are completely unrelated
• made me lose track of the things that truly make me smile. (for so long, the only thing worth smiling about was self-starvation and dropping numbers on the scale)
• made me see death as a beautiful thing, as something to work towards...